As I stood there in my boxers, ironing my wife’s pants for work while belting out some Adele, I thought that perhaps I’ve been a house husband a bit too long.
Fulfilling Calories
Why is alcohol called “empty calories?” Sometimes is the most fulfilling part of my day.
An Interesting Tradeoff
My youngest is finally potty training. As I watched him in the bathroom, standing on his step-stool, a full foot-and-a-half above the toilet, I realized that whatever money we may save in diapers will be spent on paper towels cleaning up the three-foot radius.
Sweetness Over Time
About a week ago, my youngest comes into the garage covered in sugar. I had been in the middle of moving and arranging items as we are still in the middle of getting settled into our new house and his appearance in such a state really dampened my day (to put it mildly). I had forgetfully left the jar on the counter instead of putting it in the cabinet and he had brought his step stool over to reach it. I angrily whisked him off to the shower and scolded him for getting into the sugar jar.
My anger came from my feeling that he took advantage of a simple mistake while being preoccupied with trying to move into a new house while watching three kids. I know it wasn’t out of spite – he just saw the sugar and wanted it – but it was frustrating not being able to leave the kids alone to play for a little bit so I could get a house project done.
As I was showering and scolding, my Dad took the empty sugar jar and placed it out of sight in back of the microwave, just to keep it out of the way.
That was a week ago. Now, on a random weekday morning, as I am making a cup of tea in the calm quiet of a sleeping house, I find the empty sugar container and finally refill it so I can have my tea. I smile as I recall the incident and picture him barely reaching the counter on his step stool to get the sugar and then sticking his fist in the bowl to finish every last bit of sweet crunchy goodness. My son is a week older now, and with each passing week, he gets closer to growing up and moving on.
I’m fairly confident that the next time something like this happens, I’m going to get pissed off again. Not sure if I can help that – I’ll get caught off guard when I’m tired and cranky and my kids are doing something they really shouldn’t be doing. Even so, next time, I hope I find the sugar jar a little sooner, maybe after only three days.
The New Rec Room
We just moved into a new house that is much bigger than our old house. It has a lot more rooms so whereas our old house had a combination visiting-grandparent-room/play-room, we now have a dedicated rec room that should (we naively hope) keep our kids and their chaos contained.
The day after the movers brought our stuff over, my wife and I are busy unpacking box after box while our kids are busy making forts with them (boxes marked ‘fragile’ make the best forts, apparently). We finally get to the box of the kids Arts-n-Crafts stuff and my wife promptly takes it to the new rec room, opens it up, and tells the kids to play in the rec room and not come out.
A couple hours of getting-more-done-than-we-should-and-in-hindsight-should-have-checked-in-sooner, we see our youngest walking around the house with black Play-doh smeared all over his face, arms, and legs as if he gave himself a mud treatment. We follow the trail of black smears down the stairs, to the previously-white door of the rec room and walk inside.
My older two kids are sitting on the floor in a pile of construction paper that has been cut into tiny pieces. All the puzzle pieces from all the puzzles are in one giant pile on the floor. The carpet is covered with ground-in Play-doh. On their table are jars of paints, one of which is spilled on its side and the paint is covering most of the table. My oldest explains that she spilled the paint and she thought she’d let it dry so she could paint some more.
My wife is livid; I’m pretty mad myself. We quietly close the door and go back to unpacking because we don’t want to say/do something we’ll regret and our kids will tell their therapist when their older. At one point, I look up at my wife and offer up this explanation, “Babe, maybe they thought you said, ‘WRECK room’.”
Things We Bought Before Having Kids
As I pack the house to move across town, I started a mental list of things we bought before having kids:
- dry-clean only dining chair seat cushions
- crystal bar ware
- white linens
- glass-top tables
- wine that costs more than $9.99 a bottle
- delicate undergarments with multiple ties, clasps, etc. (my wife only, you smartypants!)
- the Sunday paper
- a cigar humidor
That’s all I found (for now). What about you – do you have anything that you used to have front and center in your house and now is locked away or on a shelf for fear of it being destroyed by kids (or vice versa).
The Date Matinee
Early into into parenting my wife and I learned an important fact: While we have the right stay out as late as we want to, our kids don’t give a shit how late we stayed up and will wake up at their normal time the next morning.
We learned that painful lesson only once. After that, we decided that it wasn’t worth it, at least until our kids were old enough to head downstairs, get some cereal, and plug themselves into some PBS until Mommy and Daddy were ready to face the world again. Our kids are now 6, 4, and 3, and we’re still waiting. It’s okay, though. My wife and I learned to adapt.
Perhaps the best adaptation to our new life was something we call “The Date Matinee.” It’s sort of like date night, only it occurs significantly earlier in the day. We’d have a babysitter come over at 2 or 3 in the afternoon. then we’d head out to the local mall/movie theater. After parking the car, we’d hit happy hour at one of the restaurants for dinner and drinks. We didn’t have to worry about driving since we’d be walking to the movie theater to watch the early showing of the movie. When all was said and done, we’d head back home and relieve the sitter at 7pm. Per our instructions, the sitter would have the kids fed, bathed, and teeth brushed by this time. We could then slip into our jammies and read books to the kids to finish the night time ritual.
Who could argue with it – my wife and I got some time out alone, we got to put our kids to bed AND as an added bonus, we saved money on all the happy hour and early bird specials. Perfect for a young family like ours!
Hot Dogs
I know hot dogs aren’t exactly “nature’s perfect food” but I do have to raise an eyebrow when I see the weird film on top of the water after I boil them.
My Father’s Day Gift
One day when my oldest was just learning to walk, we went to a barbecue at a friend’s house. As soon as we arrived, I put Lilliana on the grass and she took off to explore. As she approached the stone steps at the tier that separated the upper and lower parts of the yard, the first-time-parent in me decided to hurry over and help her down the steps. On the first step down, I landed poorly and sprained my ankle. I managed to bounce down the remaining couple of steps on my good foot before falling with a firm thud. I finished my acrobatics by rolling onto my side and Lilliana rolled out of my arms into the grass. She promptly sat up and with a smile on her face said, “Again Dada !”
That would have been such a sweet way to end this story had not her squeals of joy been interrupted by my screams of pain. My wife and many of her friends at the party are physicians and they put me in chair, propped up my leg, iced my ankle, and handed me a beer (the last one isn’t medical, but it is medicinal).
The next morning happened to be Father’s Day and we spent it in the urgent care where I was fitted with an air cast and crutches. It is exactly at this point in time that my daughter decides she knows not only how to walk, but how to run, and I spent the next couple of weeks hobbling, hopping, and cursing at her down the sidewalk trying to keep up on my crutches. Even so, whenever I caught up to her, I could reflect on what a perfect Father’s Day gift I had received in knowing that I sprained my ankle, fell down the steps, and my instincts kicked in to keep my baby safe in my arms the whole time.
Hollywood Here We Come
We’re currently filming a new movie called, “Napless in North Portland.” It’s a horror flick.