a collection of thoughts by a Stay At Home Dad
by Stuart
Hey Parents, here’s a little tip to help shed those unwanted pounds…
When I’m getting ready to cook dinner and I fix myself a cocktail, I purposely take the liquor bottle out of the kitchen and put it away in another room where we keep the liquor. You won’t believe how this little habit has helped drop the weight.
I now get a great cardio workout walking back and forth from the kitchen to the other room where we keep the liquor.
by Stuart
After being home with the kids for five years, I fear my threshold for what’s considered inappropriate/downright disgusting has been altered…
(scene takes place in a medical clinic laboratory)
Dad : Here’s the sample for the tests the doctor ordered for my son – it’s an hour old.
Lab technician (putting on rubber gloves): Thank you sir. Now would you please put the sample into the bag we gave you.
by Stuart
And on the sixth day came the great (house) cleansing. The young people were made to pick up every piece of toy and clothing and put it away, no matter whether it belonged to them or not. “Take care of your brother’s crap, as your father has taken care of yours,” said the father.
…and there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth.
by Stuart
I didn’t realize what a horrifically hectic few days we’ve had, eating more fast food than I’d normally allow, until I finally got caught up and was able to make a healthy, delicious home cooked meal. I got a whole chicken, butterflied it open and started to grill it on the barbecue…(scene takes place by the barbecue grill)
Son: Dad, what’s for dinner?
Dad (proudly) : Chicken !
Son: and fries?
by Stuart
Back in my teens, whenever I heard the same song or artist several times in a day, I knew that it was because the band was popular. Now, when I hear the same song or artist several times in a day, I wonder who died.
by Stuart
…made a Tom Collins with homemade Gomme Syrup, carbonated water, lemon juice, and Tanqueray Rangpur gin.
Stay tuned for my new movie, “Honey, I’m Completely Oblivious to the Kids”
by Stuart
The Devil Is In The Details, and sometimes the details come in the form of the eldest child explaining how things “really work around here…”
(scene takes place in a crowded kitchen. Dad is cooking dinner and turns around to see three children doing something horrifically dangerous)
Dad: “GUYS, Stop that this INSTANT! You could get badly hurt!”
Big Sister, whispering loudly to her brothers: “That means we’re not allowed to do that when Daddy is watching.”
by Stuart
One great thing about being the father of three small children is that I don’t feel bad about being the occasional curmudgeon…
(scene takes place at the theater concession stand after waiting 10 minutes for our tickets and another 10 to get to the front of the concession line):
Stu to unfortunate teen behind counter: Yes, I’ll have the eight-dollar popcorn with the buttery-flavored topping please.
by Stuart
(scene takes place in a crowded kitchen; children screaming in the background; Stu is cutting veggies, an open bottle of wine stands on the counter)
Wife: Honey, I’m home. Ooh, champagne tonight! What’s the occasion?
Stu: We’re out of liquor.
by Stuart
It’s been said that, “Daddy is a Little Girl’s first true love.”
To this, I must add,
“…and a Little Girl is her Daddy’s last.”