I didn’t realize what a horrifically hectic few days we’ve had, eating more fast food than I’d normally allow, until I finally got caught up and was able to make a healthy, delicious home cooked meal. I got a whole chicken, butterflied it open and started to grill it on the barbecue…(scene takes place by the barbecue grill)
Son: Dad, what’s for dinner?
Dad (proudly) : Chicken !
Son: and fries?
What Dad REALLY Meant
The Devil Is In The Details, and sometimes the details come in the form of the eldest child explaining how things “really work around here…”
(scene takes place in a crowded kitchen. Dad is cooking dinner and turns around to see three children doing something horrifically dangerous)
Dad: “GUYS, Stop that this INSTANT! You could get badly hurt!”
Big Sister, whispering loudly to her brothers: “That means we’re not allowed to do that when Daddy is watching.”
Going to the Movies
One great thing about being the father of three small children is that I don’t feel bad about being the occasional curmudgeon…
(scene takes place at the theater concession stand after waiting 10 minutes for our tickets and another 10 to get to the front of the concession line):
Stu to unfortunate teen behind counter: Yes, I’ll have the eight-dollar popcorn with the buttery-flavored topping please.
The Fancy Occasion
(scene takes place in a crowded kitchen; children screaming in the background; Stu is cutting veggies, an open bottle of wine stands on the counter)
Wife: Honey, I’m home. Ooh, champagne tonight! What’s the occasion?
Stu: We’re out of liquor.
It’s a MAN, baby !
I was feeling good about getting regular exercise (keyword: was) until I took off my shirt to change into workout clothes and my youngest says to me, “I like your boobs”
I’m So Glad I Didn’t Offer Suggestions
My wife comes up to me and says, “How ’bout a three-way?”
I say, “Sure!” and the next thing I know, I’m changing out the dimmer switch in our formal dining room…
I Agree, Somewhat
mick to stu: I saw a newborn baby in clinic today; it makes we wanna have a fourth.
stu to mick: that makes we wanna have a fifth.