It was a sad day when I realized that “The Terrible Twos” don’t actually, as one might reasonably assume, end after the age of two.
Archives for June 2013
Our youngest is potty training and we’ve been enlisting our older two to help/encourage. It’s great to see them all working together and even when accidents happen, they are all supportive. Today, this led to a Proud Parenting moment and a not-so-proud Parenting moment happening simultaneously…
(children coming up the stairs together)
Ben (middle child): Harry just shit his pants.
Mommy: Where did you learn that word?
Harry, apparently, must have watched the old Monty Python skit “I’d Like to Buy an Argument” …
Harry, lamenting some parenting decision: Daddy, it’s just not fair!!!
Daddy, trying to be understanding of the three year old perspective: No, I suppose it doesn’t seem very fair, does it?
Harry: Yes it is !!!!
I was pretty sure that I’d never have an opportunity to quote Sylvester Stallone in a parenting moment, let alone Judge Dredd, but there I was, playing the inanimate object upon which all three children were jumping and pretending to “drive”, until I finally decided I’d had enough and rolled over…
Daughter: Awww, Daddy, you broke our car !!!
Dad: Break the Car?!?!? I AM the Car !!!
Hey Parents, here’s a little tip to help shed those unwanted pounds…
When I’m getting ready to cook dinner and I fix myself a cocktail, I purposely take the liquor bottle out of the kitchen and put it away in another room where we keep the liquor. You won’t believe how this little habit has helped drop the weight.
I now get a great cardio workout walking back and forth from the kitchen to the other room where we keep the liquor.
After being home with the kids for five years, I fear my threshold for what’s considered inappropriate/downright disgusting has been altered…
(scene takes place in a medical clinic laboratory)
Dad : Here’s the sample for the tests the doctor ordered for my son – it’s an hour old.
Lab technician (putting on rubber gloves): Thank you sir. Now would you please put the sample into the bag we gave you.
And on the sixth day came the great (house) cleansing. The young people were made to pick up every piece of toy and clothing and put it away, no matter whether it belonged to them or not. “Take care of your brother’s crap, as your father has taken care of yours,” said the father.
…and there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth.
I didn’t realize what a horrifically hectic few days we’ve had, eating more fast food than I’d normally allow, until I finally got caught up and was able to make a healthy, delicious home cooked meal. I got a whole chicken, butterflied it open and started to grill it on the barbecue…(scene takes place by the barbecue grill)
Son: Dad, what’s for dinner?
Dad (proudly) : Chicken !
Son: and fries?
Back in my teens, whenever I heard the same song or artist several times in a day, I knew that it was because the band was popular. Now, when I hear the same song or artist several times in a day, I wonder who died.
…made a Tom Collins with homemade Gomme Syrup, carbonated water, lemon juice, and Tanqueray Rangpur gin.
Stay tuned for my new movie, “Honey, I’m Completely Oblivious to the Kids”